How To Become a Space Detective
by Ls UnlimitedImagination
Summary: This is a cross over crack fic! It's a little funny, a little dramatic and something to read while on your toes! L meets the 11th Doctor and Amy and Rory! It had a little swearing and adult themes, so watch your step. (They're not that bad.)


**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note, Doctor Who or Dirty Little Secret.**

**A/N: Hey everyone! This is a sort of crack fic. It's just a bit of fun and nothing too serious or anything to get worked up about. Just enjoy yourself and get into it!**

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Some showers are good, others bad. Some showers you will find the cure for cancer. Others, you will be accused of hallucinating...

"I'll keep you my dirty little secret!" I sung out into the shower.

I can't say that I'm the best singer... Scratch that, I'm _terrible_. But I love singing, as well as making my loving family listen through and under the door.

I sung, until I stopped. _Damn, had I been in the shower that long? My playlist had reached it's last song..._

Not wanting to get out, I improvised with the theme tune to Doctor Who.

"Dun dun dunda da dun. Weee-oooo! Aaa! Wooooo!"

As I was singing, I didn't hear the door open. But after a minute I did open my eyes.

There was a man in my bathroom.

A man in my bathroom looking at me naked.

A man in the bathroom looking at me naked while I'm having a shower. I have one happy word for this:

_Fuck_.

"Mum!" I screamed trying to cover myself up.

Urgently he grabbed my arm and pulled me out.

"Rape!" Is screamed. "Rape! Rape! Mum! I'm being raped!" My throat was getting raw at this point, but I have to say, loosing my voice sounded like the better option of loosing the V-card to a man who just dragged me out of my shower.

He dragged me along, I all the while trying to keep some what decent, that was failing by the way. Seeing as I had nothing on and only one arm to cover myself.

I looked up. _Oh dear. Sophia, I don't think we're in Sydney anymore._ Either I was a properly insane, or I've found myself a wormhole. Didn't stop me from screaming though.

"Rape! I'm naked you ass hole!" I yanked my arm to the left. "I'll disfigure you!" To the right. "I'll take away your fertility!"

I kept my promise. I went straight between his legs and he dropped, groaning like a moose in heat. I looked up and I felt all colour drain from my face. This room. This was a room of boys, with very wide open mouths. Seeing as they weren't trying to put their things near me, weren't _trying_, I decided to have a little fun.

"See something you like?" I turned my head to side and put my hands on my hips.

I smirked and made sure to do a tits jiggle before I ran off, back to the shower. I threw open the door and got back into the warmth. I immediately shrunk into a ball. Rocking back and forth trying to figure out why I did what I just did.

"Mum! There was a man in here! Mum!" I yelled relentlessly. "Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum!"

The door burst open and I saw the familiar fiery red of her hair and her black dressing gown.

"What is it? Sophia! Are you ok!" She screamed at me.

She stopped and looked around.

"Very funny, no ones here."

Just as she said that, the door opened again and I saw the man.

"You must be blind! He's right there!"

I gestured to him, and she didn't even look... She looked at me silently for a while, then her face paled in the slightest.

"Get out. I'm taking you to the hospital."

Then she left me, with _him_.

"You think I'm hallucinating?! Mum!"

I stared him down. When he reached for me I dashed to the left, slipping. I hit my head on the edge of the bath and slid down into the basin. He pulled me up and into his arms, but a soon as I was there, I jumped out and stood in the corner of the walls with my arms around my chest. I don't think he want's to look down there if you know what I mean. Wink, wink.

"I'm sorry, I have no choice but I have to bring you with me." He said smoothly.

The guy reached for my arm and I slapped it off me.

"Well, you could at least make a girl decent before you drag her into a room full of pedophiles!" Is screamed at him.

Like that he yanked off his white skivvie and I let loose.

"You motherfucker! Get away!" I screamed again.

He ran at me and put a hand to my mouth, and looked at me with wide eyes under his thick, black hair. Why did he look familiar?

"Stop screaming. I was taking my shirt off for you."

I settled down and he handed me the shirt. I tugged it on, finding that as it was long on him, thankfully, longer on me. As long as I don't meet any wind, I'll be fine. And like that he was forcefully dragging me along back to all those men, again. Why was all of this so familiar? At least I didn't have a bad view.

In an effort to comfort myself, I gently hummed the tune to Death Note. When we got to the room, that's when I realized.

I turned to my captor, and looked at him with my head tiled slightly. "Oh!" I breathed. "_Hello_ sweetie!"

Everyone looked at me as I turned to them. The room was just like the one in _Death Note_. It had the wall of screens to my right and the guys around the couch area, Light the only one standing. I don't know why, but suddenly I had the urge to put on an english accent.

"You know me?" Asked L.

I turned to him with my hands on my hips. "Oh I know _you_ big boy..." I breathed in all River Song glory, my lips twitched up a bit.

"What happened?" Asked Matsuda sounding very confused.

"I'll tell you what happened." I walked over to him slowly, one foot in front of the other. "I somehow found a wormhole in my bathroom, unfortunately while I was showering, and as it seems I am now here, in the world of..." I glanced looked at Light.

"You didn't sneak in?" he asked lightly.

I turned to L again. "You really think I could L? I think I'll leave that stuff for Wedy."

I cocked an eyebrow, waiting for the surprise to kick in. He just stared at me holding a flawless facade and I winked at him.

"Don't worry, all your secrets are safe with me. I wouldn't want you getting killed..."

I spun to Light in a sort of irony. I stared him down, wondering if he knew what I was going to do and say in the next few minutes.

"Excuse me, but what is you're name, I'm-" Mr Yagami began.

I turned sharply to Mr Yagami.

"I'm sorry Mr Yagami, but I am not dumb enough to say my name in the presence of _Kira_!"

He stood up along with everyone else who was sitting, I heard the padding of L's feet as he came over and into my peripheral vision.

"What do you mean in the presence of Kira? You mean you think Kira is one of us?" Matsuda said... Yelled? No, _projected_ would be the best word to describe it.

I calmly glanced at all of them, Light was very skillfully keeping a calm. He stepped forward.

"You really think one of us is Kira?" Light lightly laughed.

"You, panda!" I pointed at L.

"What?" L asked sounding a little offended.

"Date! Gimmie the date!" I looked at him with a hard expression.

"November third." He said sounding curious.

When I fully turned to L, he had a finger to his lips in thought.

"I was cutting it a bit close, wasn't I? You are one lucky bastard."

Before he could said anything I starred Light down. Still looking at him I called out to Rem. I heard collective gasps from everyone, something that I almost laughed at. It wasn't every day you got to live in the corny-ness of a TV show.

"Rem! Damn it. Someone give me a piece of paper of the Death Note or the real thing." I said looking around with my hands on my hips in authority.

Again, the collective gasps.

"I'm sorry, but we can't do that." L said stepping towards me. "It would be stupid to give the death notebook to just anyone, especially if we don't know anything about them."

"Ok then. Rem! I know you may not trust me, but _she's_ ok in the end. If you want to save her, stop her from getting the other one. She wants to make the deal again. Just don't do any thing to L! Please! He's a good man, and he wont do anything if she doesn't remember. What I'm doing won't kill anyone!" I lied, there is one person who may die, but it's for the best for this world.

I made sure to speak in a way that only Rem would understand. If she thought that I was going to do anything that could land Misa in any trouble we would all be screwed. I looked around, waiting for someone to communicate any answer to me.

"The shinigami said ok." L said.

I turned to Light and I saw the smallest flash of loathing in his eyes. My lip quirked up and I lifted my chin up to him.

"Oh, deary me. What shall we do with a bad boy like you." I said, back in River Song mode.

I crossed my arms and walked towards him.

"You're very clever, but you're not as clever as L. Most of your success has relied on chance, and _you_ were very lucky up until now. You're stuck... No Rem, no Misa, no... Ryuk." I stopped about three feet away from him.

I saw that flash, the flash of Kira right as I said Ryuk's name. He just laughed it off.

"I have no idea what you're talking about?" He laughed again.

"You're a very good actor, I'll give you that. You were lucky with Naomi Misora. If you hadn't found out her name, then you would have been found out long ago. The bus jacking idea was very clever by the way. You were lucky Ray Penber gave you his name, because he was going to stop investigating you, on that day. You were very clever, and very manipulative." I put my hands on my hips. "Like with Misa, that is purely cruel. Same with your father!"

"What are you saying?!" Mr Yagami yelled at me.

I let my arms fall and tilted my head in his direction, but not enough to see him.

"I'm so, so sorry, Soichiro Yagami." I turned to him, feeling very 'Doctor' right now. "I'm saying, that Light Yagami is Kira."

"No! He's my son, he isn't Kira!"

I walked right up to Light, as close as I could and gestured to his father.

"Did you know he loves you?" I breathed dangerously. "Did you know you have a sister who loves you? You have a mother who loves you?!" I yelled at him.

"Did you know you were going to kill him?! Indirectly, but it was still your fault!" I growled standing up on my toes to get higher in his face.

"Did you know criminals have families?" I asked circling him. "Did you know criminals have friends? Did you know that criminals have wives and husbands?"

I grabbed his blazer and pulled myself up to him.

"Did you know that they have _children_!" I yelled at him. "Did you know that they have daughters and sons!? You never thought of that did you!"

I glared at him as growled.

"Did you know they have brothers and sisters?! Did you know that sometimes they are innocent?! Did you know that they sometimes have metal illness that they can't control?! Did you know that they _love_?!" I screamed at him.

I pushed him and his blazer out of my hands and took some steps backwards.

"Did you know that you have turned into the very thing that you're trying to wipe out? The day you killed Lind L Taylor was the point of no return for you. You're disgusting! You truly make me feel ill at the thought of how many people you've killed. Maybe if you shoved a knife through a persons _heart_ you'd feel different! Could you do it Light Yagami? Could you stand there and push a knife into the chest of a mother wrongly put in jail? Could you look at the blood? Could you watch her as she dies? Could you listen as she asks you to tell her daughter she loves her?"

He said nothing.

"_Could_ _you_ _do_ that?!"

I ran up to him and stood with a breath between us.

"Could you tell a three year old that you _killed_ her mother?"

We stood there for five minutes. There was no sound except my deep, ragged and furious breaths. It's different when you know it's all real. That these people really did die. He killed a purse snatcher. Why would any kill a purse snatcher? When I saw no change from Light. I sadly took a few steps back.

"No." I shook my head. "No..." I looked down. "You're too far gone... You have turned into _pure_ evil."

He looked pissed off now and I stared him down as he turned slightly. It wasn't until I saw his arm moving, that I realized what he was doing.

"Stop him! He's going to kill someone!" I screamed.

Right at that moment, I heard a buzzing in the distance and then the watch made a mini explosion... or a pop I guess. Light screamed as his flesh burned from the heat and I heard the sound of grappling and grunting as the restrained Light. But the buzz? No... It couldn't be?

"That was close." I heard the familiar Scottish accent and I turned.

One, two three. Red hair, skinny man, and Mr Fish Custard putting away a sonic screw driver...

"Hello _sweetie_!" I exclaimed putting my hands to my hips.

The doctor looked at me with his funny smile, bow tie and all. I made my way over to them and in the proper Doctor mood I grabbed the Doctor's face.

"Oh wow! You're just like as you are on TV!" I exclaimed.

I kissed in my high him as I walked backwards with my arms out, he looked pleased.

"I was on TV? Amy, did you _just_ hear that?! I was on TV! I, was on, _TV_!" He threw his arms out in the air. "That's brilliant. Why was I on TV?" He said turning to me.

I stared at him for a while, not sure if I should tell him. Then in this time of silence I notice Watari enter with a pair of handcuffs. Everyone watched as Light was restricted and lead away by the task force. Surprisingly Mr Yagami helped. I almost smiled at his dedication to the law, but my sympathy for him overwhelmed it.

"Do you know her?" Amy said down toned.

"I have no idea who she is!" The Doctor grinned. "So, what's happening here? What's the problem?"

He walked around to look at things and buzzing his screw driver at items. Rory stood awkwardly in his spot and Amy followed the Doctor.

"What needs to be fixed?" He looked up.

"Well... The investigation was just resolved." Answered L.

He padded over, still with no shirt on. I took in the biggest gulp I could. Doctor walked up to L and looked him up and down.

"Blast." He turned back to us. "I got here late and missed all the fun..." He said sounding very grumpy. "Well, what happened then?" He looked at Amy and Rory, rubbing his hands together in anticipation. "I love stories."

Amy walked up to him. "Yes I know..." She leaned into the Doctor. "Yowza."

Grinning I said, "oh you're gonna love this!" I looked at L. "Hey L, go grab the death note."

His face looked dangerous. "You _said_ my name! Do you have any idea how dangerous it is for strangers to know my name?"

"Would you rather I say you're whole name?" His eyes widened, and I saw those cogs working in his head. I turned to the Doctor. "Do you know who L is?" I ask the galaxy gang.

"No." Said Rory.

"Nop." Amy said crossing her arms.

"Not a clue." The Doctor smiled.

L sighed.

"Anyway, it would be extremely foolish of me to bring it out to a bunch of strangers." He said with slight sarcasm.

"Ooh, it's dangerous! That just makes it even more exciting." The Doctor said stepping forward.

"Just get the death note!" I demanded.

"I'll need a very good reason before I'll even consider it."

"Because! He's the doctor!" I said waiting for his response.

"Doctor who?"

I threw my arm up in the air and did a little jig in my excitement. "Oh! Yeah! You said it, you said it!" I fist pumped. "_Whoop_! _Whoop_!"

They all looked at me like I was crazy.

"It's an inside joke." I explained.

"No one else laughed though." Said L.

"It's an inside joke with _myself_." I pouted in what I called victory.

"See! Secrets, I don't like them." The Doctor walked up to Amy and Rory. "Why was it funny?"

"Because, you were on TV." I tilted my chin up to let him know that was as far as I was going to go.

Probably just waiting to save it for later, he walked over to L.

"But it is true. Trust me, I'm the Doctor."

Somehow, that actually worked. But then again, that line always did. Maybe he uses some sort of unknown time lord magic.

"Watari?" L said facing one of the cameras.

"Yes, Ryuzaki?" Watari said through the speakers as all the screens turned to Watari's insignia.

"Could you get us the death notebook?"

"Of corse."

And the screens went back to the mess that was on there before. L turned to me.

"Why do went need to tell them?" He asked me looking bored again.

"Because it will be fun."

As I said that, Watari came down with the Death Note. He handed it to L and walked off.

L pulled it out of the packet and Doctor walked out, sonic screwdriver at the ready. He buzzed it then flicked it up and looked at whatever that thing said when he did it.

"It's a notebook." He said with dark curiosity.

"What's that?" L pointed to the screwdriver.

"It's my sonic screwdriver!" The Doctor said proudly.

"But it doesn't work on wood." I added.

The Doctor looked at me. "How did you know that? Who are you?"

"A girl who likes TV." I replied happily.

Still not looking content with my answers, he walked over to the notebook and picked it up.

"I never said you could take it, give it back!" L protested.

Amy and Rory walked over to look at it.

"Death Note." Amy sated looking at the cover.

I just waited with the ghost of a smirk on my face. She touched it curiosity, and when she looked up... She went a little pale.

"Doctor."

"Yes what?" He opened the death note flipping through pages. "Names, they're just names. Why names? What do they do?"

Amy tugged on his sleeve. "Doctor."

"Amy?" Rory said looking in the same direction as her.

L just watched, completely passive about this situation and the Doctor mumbled his questions, trying to figure out this new toy.

"_Doctor_!" Amy said louder trying to get his attention.

"What?" He looked at Amy, upset at being interrupted.

"Look." She pointed at Rem.

"Oh! Hello!"

He walked over to Rem, leaving the death note with Amy. I walked over and touched the notebook and looked where everyone else was. Rem was... big. She was also far more frightening in person than in animation. I gave her a little wave.

"What, I can't see anything?" Rory asked.

"Touch it." L said cooly.

He touched the Death Note cautiously then looked up. He made a noise of surprise, then just stood there with Amy.

"I've never seen anything like you before? Where are you from?" The Doctor asked looking up at Rem.

"I'm from the shinigami realm. I am a shinigami, a death god." She said in her weird, usual breathy one toned speech.

"I have never heard of the shinigami realm. Which planet is that, what galexy?"

"I do not live on any other planet, I live above the Earth in the shinigami realm."

L padded forward. "She isn't an alien, she's a god."

"A _god_?" Rory asked.

"Yes, I couldn't believe that death gods really existed, but it's true, they are real." L explained.

"Death god..." Doctor said in distaste. "I don't like death. But as it seems, if you touch the death note we can see you. Why can we see you?"

L began to open his mouth to explain.

"He likes to do it himself." I said shaking my head.

"Never interrupt a time lord on a roll." Amy added.

The doctor started pacing and talking, piecing it together.

"You touch the death note, we see you? The death note is the death god's notebook! And that's how they kill..." Doctor finished darkly.

"There were a lot of names in there. How many people have you killed?" He walked up to Rem, getting very close.

"I didn't write any of those names." She said, with no way to tell if she was lying or not, but I knew she wasn't.

"But who else could! You're the shinigami, this is yours, your note book to kill. Unless, others can use it." He looked at Rem waiting for a response, when nothing happened, he continued his pacing. "Or, this isn't yours. There must be another one!"

"There is another one." L said looking inpatient.

"But who wrote the names?" The Doctor walked over to me. "Who wrote the names?"

I glanced at L. "Light Yagami, you just watched him get arrested."

"So humans can write in the Death Note?" Amy crossed her arms as she walked over to the Doctor.

"Yes, but if you don't keep writing names within thirteen days you die." L walked over to join us.

Rory not wanting to be the odd one out followed with L's idea.

"Bullshit, that rules not real. If you write in it you can't go to heaven or hell, that's it." L looked at me. "You can't be any more surprised now, I know all." I wiggled my eyebrows at him.

The Doctor grabbed the Death Note from Amy.

"But how does it work? There's no science or signals to make it work, you just write a name and they die."

I grabbed the Doctor's face to make him look at me. "Gods equal magic. Notebook that kills plus gods, equals: magic notebook."

I let go and stepped backwards ready to set things straight, I have never been a very patient person. I held my hand out to L.

"L, meet the Doctor," I gestured to the Doctor then Rory. "Rory and Amelia Pond." Then I let my arm down from the gesture at Amy.

"Call me Amy."

"Everyone, I am Sophia. Doctor, Amy and Rory. This is L, the best detective in the world, and the smartest if you ask me." I looked at him. "You may even be as smart as the Doctor. What happened: Death Note dropped to Earth by Ryuk, Light's shinigami. He became psychotic and decided to wipe out all the criminals in the world. Too bad for him, I got in the way before he killed you." I looked L in the eyes, and somehow he didn't even flinch at what I just told him.

When I looked at the Doctor, I saw the sickness that he must feel whenever he hears about mass murder. Then when I think about it, he must be the kindest man or living organism in the entire universe.

"L! You are going to think this is very interesting. This is the Doctor, the only person who knows his real name in River Song, his wife and Amy's daughter. He's what 1,200 years old?" I looked at him with my brows raised in question.

"Approximately," he said sounding suspicious.

"Yes, he is a 1,200 year old time lord, the last of his kind. He has a box that is bigger on the inside. He's very smart and-"

"How can a box be _bigger_ on the inside?" He interrupted me.

"Want to see?" The Doctor perked up again.

L looked at us looking very suspicious. But the Doctor was off, with all of us watching. When he noticed we didn't follow due to L's paranoia he turned to us.

"Well come on! I don't feel like trying to fly it threw this wormhole, it's would be much too difficult." He headed to the shower again.

"Just follow." Amy said walking off picking up Rory on the way.

"Don't you think it isn't smart to bring unknown people into the tardis from a dimension we know nothing about?" Rory yelled after him.

"I do it all the time! I did it with your father and he was fine!" The Doctor stopped and turned to him.

"Yes, but you just materialized around us, when you realized he was in the tardis you got upset about him being there." He said reaching him finally.

"That's right, but _that_ _was_ different. Come _on_!" Doctor yelled gesturing for us to follow.

I looked at L and grabbed his arm to follow.

"This doesn't make any _sense_. They're talking about things that couldn't possibly exist." L said in a hushed tone, probably feeling for once in his life out of his comfort zone.

"Shut up, you'll get used to it."

We got to L's room and the galaxy gang walked in and to the bathroom. I made sure that L put on a shirt before we went in.

"Actually, I would rather that we put the death notebook back in the safe before we leave."

The Doctor walked up to the door and got out his sonic screwdriver and buzzed at the door handle, then put it back into the inside pocket of his blazer.

"No, I want it as a souvenir. I've never met a proper god before," he said in defense. "Anyway, you can't go back now, we're already at Sophia's house."

He threw the door open and L's eyes went wide. We just jumped threw a wormhole that was at my house! and I bet he wasn't expecting any of this at all. The Doctor put the death note into his coat before he walked out.

"Good grief..." L mumbled.

Luckily my door was right next to the bathroom and I slipped some jeans on, while L took his time to walk out.

"Why did you come here?" I asked them as I grabbed L's arm again and pulled him out.

L looked at the walls and everything around him, fully surprised. It was _very_ funny.

"Well, the tardis picked up some weird signals. So we thought we'd come here."

He turned away and out we went of the bathroom. Through the windows I noticed my mum in the garden, and I was pleased she wouldn't interrupt this adventure I was having.

"This doesn't make any sense," L muttered as he followed.

I looked back at him when he spoke, and I noticed him gnawing at him thumb. We went out the door and my heart skipped a beat with I saw that blue box on my front lawn.

I squealed. "It's the _tardis_!"

I almost fainted with excitement when the door opened and I saw inside. Curious for what L would look like, I turned to him. He looked completely at a loss, and I chuckled. The Doctor strode in and turned to us with his arms outstretched gesturing to the inside of the tardis.

"This, is the tardis!" he exclaimed. "We have a tennis court and a swimming pool just up those stairs and to the left. The bathroom in the first on your right."

"I can die a happy woman!" I squealed stepping in.

L and I marveled at the insides. It _was _bigger on the inside.

"I can't believed it. This goes against every single law of physics I ever leant."

I turned to L. "Seriously? A book that kills people and creepy monsters that can float, and you're still surprised?"

He looked at me. "I don't know if I could ever get used to this."

"Oh, give him a few months, he'll get used to it." Said the Doctor waving it off.

"A few months?" L gaped.

And that was the start of all of our fabulous adventures. L got used to it and was found to be a great asset to the team, being a genius and all. I met River Song and I found we got on very well. Me and L started a thing and we were one big happy family. We never saw Watari again, the wormhole went away, but L says that it was worth it. He still make a lot of money as a detective on the side.

_But we never gave up the tardis._

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**A/N: Hope you liked it! I'm not too fussy about reviews, but I love hearing you liked it!**

**See you later!**


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